The [Foster] Moms Must Be Crazy

We just got a letter from Serious’ school. Apparently, she’s had homework for the past few weekends, and she hasn’t done it. So she needs to complete this week’s assignment TONIGHT.

Ok….

1.       Homework for 3 year olds? Seriously? I acknowledge that there are some older children in the class that do need to get ready for kindergarten in the fall.  But we’re not there yet. And many kindergartens don’t give homework. Let’s calm down. 

2.       If you ARE going to give homework to 3 year olds then you need to TELL THEIR PARENTS. Like, at the beginning of the homework giving era, not after they haven’t done it for two weeks.

3.       We don’t have Sassy and Serious on the weekends. Their school should know this because we have told them several times. Fridays after school, Serious is 100% focused on the transition to her grandma’s house. And I take them immediately from school to grandma. This is a very stressful time of their week and not a time that Serious, of her own volition, is going to pipe up and inform me that she has homework all of a sudden.

4.       We have no control over their weekends, which means homework now has to be a Sunday night thing. Which is fine, but I just hope to god it’s nothing complicated. Because Sunday nights we have the transition back to our house and that’s another stressful time for them when we just try to be relaxed and bonded.

5.       Ugh. I mean it’s fine. I’ll just check for the homework on Friday when I pick them up, and we’ll do it Sunday. But this does bring home to me the fact that being in foster care can really complicate a child’s academic life. My hat is off to all the kids in care of all ages who do manage to keep focus on their academics despite the complications and stresses that foster situations bring into their lives. 

Mothers day imvolved 7 hours of driving in a 12 hour period. When I get home after all that I “rewarded” myself by hate-watching an episode of Glee. It’s so terrible! But so gay! I can’t stop.

But the day before Jen and I treated ourselves to an afternoon out with some friends, at our favorite cocktail bar on the river. That was lovely.

Listen. Here’s my clever, timely “thing” about racism. IT’S FUCKED UP. Every. Person. Is. Equal. Done. The. End. Finished. Live that.

I’m getting that Mother’s Day is kind of…not uncomfortable but just…not exactly fitted properly for foster moms who don’t have bio kids.

Yesterday evening, Jen and I rode home on the subway together. We used to do this all the time, but with the kids its usually one of us with them or all of us together.

I had the best time, trying to make my wife laugh, just paying attention to her entirely. And getting attention from her. I kept saying “I LIKE you! I LIKE you SO MUCH!”

Then we got off the train and walked over to this restaurant down on the river. The sun was low in the sky, the weather was gorgeous, it was just an amazing place to be. We got a couple of glasses of sangria and just relaxed for forty five minutes before the kids arrived with their sitter. And it dawned on me that I have a fabulous life with my wife and even though I will be terribly sad if/when the girls go home, I still have so much that makes me happy. Sure, sunshine and sangrias and all of that, but mainly JEN. And the prospect of getting to be alone and not exhausted is exciting! Not even just for you know, adult reasons. But just to be able to participate fully in romancing each other again or relating to each other in a grown up intellectual way more often. I will enjoy that in the times when we don’t have children in our home.

Then the kids came and they were adorable, of course. They can see their dad now at visits and Serious was SO EXCITED to tell us that Daddy had surprised her by coming to see her. And they were so excited to be right on the river and see all the boats. The restaurant also plays lots of dance pop and they loved that they knew the music.

At sunset I took Serious out to the deck to look at the water and she was like “THAT IS SCARY!” and indicated the sky. And I looked at a completely empty, lovely sunset sky and I didn’t understand what she meant. But after some conversation I realized that it was just the big empty sky that was scary to her. These city kids almost never see that much of the sky at one time. Not trying to be profound or anything but it’s true. Living in a city has a way of being so much of everything, so close that even I can forget that there are really big open spaces and a huge world beyond where I live.

So I explained that to Serious. And she said maybe she’ll go in a plane sometime to see it.

When I took Sassy out on the deck, she was more interested in the water. “It’s a puddle!” “Actually, that’s the Hudson River.” I said. She looked for a while. “It’s MOVING.” I explained that yes, that was one of the characteristics of a river. “Lets SWIM!” I said that wasn’t a good idea pointed out the gross oil slicks and floating detritus that was visible under the dock. “We could go in a boat sometime though.” I said. So she immediately started looking around for a boat to get on. “No boats now.” She sighed. I said maybe some other time. “I YIKE this place.” she said.

It’s just nuts that little things like dinner in a new place can enlarge a child’s worldview. The difference between a puddle and a river! I mean, I wish it sounded less contrived. But that’s what we saw and those are the conversations we had. 

The girls had court today. No change now, but they have another court date in a month. It seems very likely that a family member might get custody of them. But as with all things foster though, who knows until it happens?

We were very sad because we thought that they might be removed very quickly after this hearing. So now we at least have a little bit of a longer timeline for our likely good bye. 

We know how much the girls want to be with their family and we definitely think that a permanent, stable home is something they should have as soon as possible. To have them go to family that already has a bond with them and regular overnights in place is a great solution.

But we will miss them when they go. They are great, great girls and we love contributing to their development into great, great women. Plus, you know. CUTIE FACES. 

I was just looking  back over old posts. When these kids came Sassy barely talked and Serious was only writing lines and dots.

Now Sassy enjoys reciting entire picture books from memory and Serious can write her name and knows all her letter sounds. Today dinner time discussion for the three of us, led by Serious, was: What is a solid? What is a liquid? 

I know that some of this is just normal development for their ages, but still, it’s so cool how much they’ve learned over the past 8 months. 

Serious bit someone at school today. We are very frustrated with her school behavior. We have seen some improvements but its like, if she fixes one thing, she just pops up with something else weird to do. 

She started by throwing huge fits

She also jabbed someone with a pencil (unprovoked)

Consequences at home, and she never jabbed again, and after a few weeks of consistent monitoring and rewards for good behavior, we managed to get the huge fits curbed.

So she started up with pinching kids and peeing on herself. 

Now the peeing seems to be tapering off and she hasn’t pinched anyone.

But she started taking off her shoes and socks in the middle of Circle Time and running around barefoot and now she bit someone. 

I guess its heartening that her behavior does change. 

Sassy: I yuve you R. Gimme kiss.

<Kiss on the cheek>

Sassy: I yuve your phone R. Let me kiss your phone.

< kiss on the Galaxy S2>